i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
