I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
We left an ass print on the piano.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
