I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
