His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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