quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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