yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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