haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
