i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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