i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
