All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
