I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize
