I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
