I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
