You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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