Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
