The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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