Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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