my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
