Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
