Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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