I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
