how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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