When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Randomize
