I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
