i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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