I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
