the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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