Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
