Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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