I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
