I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
