dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
