I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
