dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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