i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Houston, we have a squirter
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
