Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
handjob tips. give me some.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
