You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Randomize
