Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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