someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
