i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He better not be in your backpack
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
