Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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