So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
