Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
