mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
