thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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