I love black thongs
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
