My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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