I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
