I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
