I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
